Calm, Cool, and Collected

Breath Four:

I remember when Jane was a baby and Lee was two.  We were in the thick of it at a play date.  I mean, no time to chat and talk with other moms.  I was redirecting and negotiating a very busy Lee while nursing Jane, when a mother who was watching me said, “You are always so calm!”  I think I laughed, I did not feel calm.  I felt as though I could flip out at any moment.  Apparently, I come off as calm to others as well.  I do actually try to remain calm when dealing with my children.

Here are some of the strategies I have used:

1. I take deep breaths,

2. Fake it ‘till I make it,  

3. Remind myself that this is a learning opportunity,

4. Turn up the music… loud.

5. Go somewhere. Get out of the house- you are less likely to blow a gasket in public.

Keeping calm helps my kids talk about their feelings, solve their problems faster and get back to their normal exuberance for life. When I remain calm my children feel secure and safe; I am creating the optimal environment for their learning and growing. 

 Unfortunately, I do not always employ these techniques.  I should since I have extensive training and education in understanding child development.  I have also had the ultimate model of calm, my own mother whom to this day I can’t remember yelling at me.  But I am only human, doing the best I can.  It’s just sometimes, “doing the best you can,” isn’t enough.  I have defiantly blockaded myself in the bathroom for a few moments.  I have yelled at the top of my lungs, and thrown a grown-up rambling fit.  Not my finest moments, and not at all calm.  I find solace in the fact that I always apologize to my children; even grown-ups make mistakes.  At least there’s a lesson in the aftermath of my tantrum. Thankfully, I have never sworn at my children yet.  I have a couple of phrases that I use so that  I do not swear.  They are pretty simple- “I am so mad!” and “I am so tired of this!”  Did you notice the use of, I-statements?  Well ultimately, the yelling never works.  It scares them for a moment (not Frederick though, he just grins much to my chagrin.) I would like to say there’s something to be said for a healthy fear of your parents. You’d better behave or your mom is going to flip.  But really, it’s not how children learn. I guess I’ll resolve myself to being an adult, remaining calm and utilize deep breathing techniques. 

So, when someone compliments me on how together I seem or my parenting, I always feel that I am pulling off a great charade.  I thank them and smile, knowing that underneath I am disheveled, flustered, and anything but calm.  My house is always mess; maybe not the living room, but all the other rooms are.  I have ten loads of laundry at all times, and dishes in the sink, I rarely dust, and there might be a hostile take-over by children in my house at any moment.  Regardless, I love motherhood, and I will always try harder to remain calm, positive, and attempt to pull-off the ultimate deception of a calm, cool, and collected mother to my children. 

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